Starting to let go of myself and my fears.

This past week I had contact with my family in a way that stirred up anger and fear, which led to renewed feelings of self-loathing and doubt. Much of this anger and fear is about my parents and how they treated me in the past. The self-loathing came from seeing my parents as "evil" beings and seeing myself (unconsciously) as an extension of them.

That contact with my family ended on Friday. I have been reading about Buddhism and practicing Buddhist meditations lately, so I began that practice again on Friday in an attempt to "recover." I also attempted to have a session Friday night. While it was intense and pleasurable (especially since it had been a week since my last ejaculation) I found I wasn't able to "break through" into that special place where I am perfectly loved and accepted. In particular, at the gateway to that place I found an incredible loneliness and need for validation.

On Saturday I began reading some Buddhist discourse on fear and the nature of fear. Much of what I read talked about how many of our fears are an extension of the original fear of abandonment and death we develop when we leave the womb, since at that time being abandoned means death. I began to see how these ideas were at play in my relationship with my parents and my pattern of self-doubt. My parents are the type to love people conditionally, and I started to see why the fear of losing them caused me so much pain. I saw that that fear of abandonment was tied to my fears around death and survival. The book I was reading recommended meditative exercises where the inner (fearful) child was allowed to express these fears, and the adult self then comforted the inner child–reminding it that it can now survive on its own and give itself love.

I wanted to do this exercise in a session, since I've had lots of success lately channeling self-love during sessions. I felt "blocked" though. Thinking about the causes of my fear had made me angry at my parents. At a certain point I was literally pacing my apartment with anger. In my imagination, I was fighting with my parents, trying to convince them of how terrible they had been. After doing this for some time, I realized what I was doing and how exhausting it was. Finally, somehow in that moment, I relaxed a little and tried to empathize with my parents.

And boy did I empathize. I suddenly saw how many of their unskillful actions were similar to unskillful ways I had acted. Then I thought about how I felt when I took those unskillful actions, and how they had really arisen from my suffering. I started to realize that my parents must suffer terribly as people. I saw how that suffering is the result of events that happen in a larger context, that myself and my parents arise in that context, so myself and my parents weren't "good or evil." I realized how much of my self-loathing was related to anger for my parents. That being angry at them was being angry at myself, since our suffering and its causes were so similar. In this meditation I began to feel that being angry at anyone was being angry at myself.

This meditation and thought process was very intense, so I took a break for a bit to eat some dinner. During this time I also found myself on Skype, trying to draw my comrades into a joint session or into observing me have a session. I knew this was because of the loneliness I had experienced the night before, and that that loneliness came from my fear. I knew the antidote to this was not to seek the validation of others, but rather to give myself lovingkindness and compassion. To remind myself that I was a man now that could survive, and that I had love for myself. I knew these things but it was a few hours before I finally "let go" and allowed myself to be with myself to do this meditation through a session.

I tried watching some erotic content to start my arousal, but found I wasn't connecting with it so went right to the session.

Sometimes when I want to be very internally focused, I put in ear plugs and blindfold myself before beginning a session. Being cutoff from sight and sound helped me focus on myself and my internal emotional state. On my back, knees bent, feet on the bed, I quickly erupted into physical and emotional sensations as my PC muscles began to massage my prostate.

Immediately the fear came and I realized how I'd run from it the whole day. I let the fear be there as my prostate throbbed and my erection grew. It was fine to feel fear and I could let myself. I let my inner child say "I'm so afraid of being alone. I'm so afraid I'll be left alone forever."

My head started to glow as the light began to trickle from my prostate up to my brain. The warm fuzziness of love started to fill my skull. My thoughts slowly began to melt into "I'm not alone because I love myself, and because of that, I'm with everyone. I don't have to be afraid anymore, but it's okay if I am. I'm okay as I am. I can be as I am and not worry about other people abandoning me."

I became very in-touch with my body. My head and prostate "vibrated" in unison. Thoughts started melting away. The occasional pang of fear would shoot through me then be comforted away automatically. The energy was indescribable. Flashes of erotic imagery entered my mind and made my prostate boil, then faded away. The erotic imagery eventually ceased and then all that filled my mind was the sensations in my prostate and body. Fear came and left, came and left. The fear of these new sensations, this new place, began to melt into awe.

I'm not sure exactly when I started to do the big draw exercise. It was all automatic. But the sensation of energy arcing up my spine into a tornado of energy in my head was profound. I automatically touched my tongue to the roof of my mouth and allowed the energy to flow and arc down into my belly. Then right back into my prostate, through my legs to my feet into the bed. Also out my throbbing penis. Flowing through me and out of me and connecting me to everything.

I wish I had words to describe this. I wish I could communicate how profound what happened next was, but alas there are no words.

In the midst of this spiritual and physical sensation, I suddenly had a thought: "I haven't been thinking." I writhed and screamed and thought about how I was losing myself. I focused on the ring of energy coursing up my spine to my skull and back down into my prostate and realized I could lose myself in it. I was afraid and then I comforted myself.

I have been reading lately about how letting go can be such a deep thing it is almost like dying. That letting go can represent a loss of self like death, and that this is in fact joyous because it connects us to everything. In the midst of this powerful super-o, when this fear of losing myself came, I suddenly said "You can die. You don't need this self. You can die. Let go! Let go!"

I wish there was another word besides "death" to describe this letting go, because death sounds so negative. Yet death is the only word that describes what happened to my sense of self in that moment. In that moment I did not exist. In that moment I was nothing. Because of that I was everything and connected to everyone. I had no fear. I was only the moment and the moment was forever.

If only there were words. I have never experienced anything like this before. For the first time last night I really let go of myself.

I couldn't tell you how long I stayed in this place. When I left the place I realized how I was screaming and moaning and writhing intensely. I realized that the ring of energy flowing through me was the most intense I'd ever felt. Could I take this much? How was this much possible? I realized that cycling the energy out of my prostate through my body and back into my prostate had generated an erotic tempest. I could feel the energy shooting out of the stiffest erection of my life. I just knew what I had to do, that even if I didn't want to I had to return to myself and let time and this session pass.

I took one testicle in each hand, gently cupping them. I felt the energy continue to flow through my body, but then a new glow of light start to smolder in my prostate. It felt like my testicles were slowly expanding and radiating sensation out of my body into the universe. I simply held them gently and let the feelings happen.

The ejaculation was like nothing I'd ever experienced before. I felt my prostate gently "spill" my ejaculate at the base of my penis. I felt the liquid and energy flow out of my prostate to the base of my penis and pool there. It felt like this wonderfulness sat there for minutes, but it must have been only moments. Then I felt the base of my penis open up and let the fluid pass. Like spiritual lava it flowed up my shaft and it felt like my shaft was all of me. Like me entire body was one ejaculating penis. When my semen left me it was like i could still feel it even as it flowed outside of my body. I could feel the joy of all the life contained in my semen.

Covered in my stickiness, I panted and panted and giggled and laughed and felt warm and at home. I felt so grateful. I felt like I'd moved forward.

I am so excited by this practice I'm cultivating. I'm so excited by the possibility of accepting and loving myself so totally. I am so excited by how developing this love and acceptance of myself connects me to others.

Again, I wish I had the words. I hope I described this well enough. I hope my sharing helps others and I wish you all the best. Thank you all for helping me face my fears and walk down this road to love and happiness.