I’m going to analyse again as I'm still blocked.
This experience has touched me deeply. I feel as if I have triggered something very profound.
I was sent to boarding school at 13 and bullied badly, I was made to feel worthless and had no friends for years. I have felt very angry with parents for letting this happen to me ever since, and never resolved that feeling. I remain as angry with them now as I was 30 years ago.
I coped by studying hard and becoming a doctor as I wanted to help other people, and by starting my own family so I can look after my children, give them lots of love, and never let them experience the pain I experienced at the hands of the bullies. I work hard. I exercise obsessively at times. But I have never resolved the underlying issues around my bullying and my relationship with my parents. I felt like crying about this as I drove into work this morning.
I have had low self esteem and probably mild depression all my life, and find it difficult to form close relationships. I appreciate that I have done well and succeeded in life in every way except for this. I have a very loving wife and children and couldn’t ask for more.
Having experienced a state of pure pleasure, that I could access at will, I initially felt untouchable, like someone finding a new religion, or a perfect new relationship. I thought that nothing could hurt me again – nothing could take away my pleasure, whatever happened in life I was now protected because I would always be happy. I felt like I was radiating positive feelings to everyone, I was confident, above the worries of the world. I had almost touched God. It was profound and deeply satisfying and I wanted to share it and help others to feel good. But at the back of my mind was a niggle that it was delicate, that it might not last, that I couldn’t really control it, and it could be taken away from me. It was a worry, and the worry started to take over.
Then it was taken away from me, what I had feared happened, and I had made it happen by doubting myself. I had lost it and I was normal again, back to earth with a thump. It was like a bereavement, a pining for something very special that I had been given a glimpse of, something that could have made me happy at last, but that I just couldn’t have. It felt cruel and unfair. I was angry with myself because I know it’s my own subconscious controlling me – part of me, but hidden away and not accessible to logic.
In my work I see a lot of depressed patients and they often say ‘I just want to feel better’. I tell them that I can’t make them better I can only help them, and guide them, maybe give them some drugs, but most of it will be their own doing, and it will take time and effort on their part. That’s where I am. It’s painful. I want someone to give a key to unlock myself again. I want to understand what’s happening so I can work it all out.
My insecurities have been let of the bottle and I want to talk about them and feel the pain again so I can let it go. Or maybe I am just saying that in the hope that I will get another super-O, grasping at a straw that it’s just my past blocking me, and I’m just kidding myself and it’s really something more than that. I’m confused. Nothing is logical. Really I just don’t know.