something new came up during this afternoon's session. I was doing nothing, just aware of the aneros caressing my prostate and pleasuring me and doing the tantric breathing. I was just going along this way and the thought popped into my head that something else is blocking my way to more pleasure. When the energy of the tantric breathing reached my heart it transformed into mostly tears and some shaking. It took a while of sobbing, getting more intense and louder, to get to the root of the grief.
I've been anxious my whole life, probably since I was born. My mother and I almost died during childbirth. Then I was scalded with boiling water when I was a year old. I've always felt that I was different but when I reached puberty, I found out what that difference was. I immediacy suppressed that discovery until my 32nd year when I finally admitted to myself that I am gay. All this has kept me in a constant state of vigilance, hiding myself for my survival. I became like a chameleon who is constantly adjusting itself to blend in, to meet other people's needs, not my own. Consequently my ego is like putty, malleable according to who I'm with to an extreme degree. We all do something like this I suspect, but most people have a solid sense of who they are to fall back on. It's hard to explain.