So this week I've been focusing on deep belly breathing (as I'm sure you all know from my last post), and that hasn't changed since yesterday. The one thing that's different is that I discovered that uncontrollable smiling and euphoric feeling are also caused by amygdala clicking (concept brought to my attention by chat here last night), and I'm convinced that this is the explanation. Just thought I'd preface my progress with some additional discoveries.
So the title of this pretty much explains the last 24 hours of my journey. My drive home was another deep breathing exercise, but this time I focused more on the energies exchanging. Visualizing the energy flow into my stomach and travel to all corners of my body, pushing the negative energies into my lungs to be exhaled. As I expel these negative energies, relaxation washes over me, and I'm left with a feeling of serenity and a stillness throughout my body and mind. As I got closer to home, I became aware of these energies collecting in my stomach and as I got home, began to focus on them. This kicked off a quick 'less session for about 5 minutes, and as I pulled up to the house started bouncing between my prostate and stomach. As my focus on these energies grew, my mind slipped into nothingness and I became these energies. I could feel (and see) the pulsing and shifting of these energies flow throughout my body, even though my conscious mind was only aware of the energy in my stomach. Since I was home, I couldn't stay out there long, so I opened my eyes and found myself completely rejuvinated, like my day was just beginning.
Later that night, as we were getting ready for bed, the call of the prostate was strong and I couldn't ignore it for long. I went to the bathroom and prepped myself for the ride. This wasn't my usual "in, clean, ready" prep session, this was a full on pleasure session before the main event. I relished the feeling of cleaning myself out, of washing the area, lubing up both inside and out (playing with the anus and prostate more than I usually do). I enjoyed this experience for the first time in a long time, and found it to be the most exciting foreplay. I had not inserted yet, and as I returned to bed, decided to play with some contractions and some deep breathing first, to get everything nice and ready. After numerous toe-curling p-waves, I felt READY for the sensations, for the pleasure that I was about to receive.
And pleasure was what I got. Not Earth shattering, not breath-taking, but still pleasure. Pleasure… I was getting the pleasure that I wanted, that I craved, but something was different. Something was wrong. This was the first session that I was able to utilize deep breathing to aid the session (both in terms of relaxation and moving the MGX), and it certainly took me to a new level. But for what I was feeling, something was still holding me back. A quick mental check on my physical self verified that I was listening to all the different sensations throughout my body, and my mind was relaxed, calm, empty of distractions. So what was holding me back? I dove a little deeper into my mind, and I found it. Him. Pleasure. Except this wasn't the pleasure I was feeling, this was the pleasure I was demanding. A little perverted gremlin, off in a corner trying to get himself off.
This is the reason my regular sessions were never as intense or productive as my 'less sessions. Regular sessions were always about pleasure, whether I admitted to it or not. At times I've felt that I was addicted to pleasure (before the Aneros) and masturbation/ejaculation was always the easiest (and greatest) form of pleasure for me. Getting the Helix trained me to understand that pleasure isn't everything, and that to forgo the immediate release would bring greater pleasure in the long run (delayed gratification). However, it is still this desire, this addiction that fuels my regular sessions, and to detrimental affect it seems. So, having discovered an obstacle that has been with me more than half my life (since I was a teenager), I decided to end the session. As I said in my last post, the first step is recognizing the problem exists. The next step? I honestly don't know, but I'm willing to tackle it head on in the coming months.
Which leads me to today. Nothing new to report on the drive to work, other than relaxation and redirecting of energies through breathing (getting better at it, enjoying the results every time). In a chat with rook and rumel, a 'less session started to kick in. I tried to suppress it, as I had a lot of work to accomplish and didn't need the distraction. Rumel scolded me, warning that trying to suppress these urges could have a significant effect on my subconscious in regards to these sessions. So instead of suppressing these sensations, I just let the butt buzz occur and put my focus elsewhere. The sensations were manageable, and I was using some deep breathing to try and focus my energies on work. As I was inhaling though, something new happened, something oh so unexpected.
During deep breathing, I can only inhale so much into my belly (normally), but this time was different. I would inhale as much as I could and hold for a few seconds. While I'm holding my breath, I could feel my pulse deep in my belly, and every time I felt it, my lungs would draw in more air. I couldn't believe how much I was taking in! That's not the kicker though. The best part is that as I'm taking more breaths (while I'm already full), a buzzing began to grow in the pit of my stomach, just below the belly button. Rook informs me that I have just stumbled upon my lower dan tien, and to cultivate those sensations by rippling the abs and lats as I'm inhaling. I followed his advice, and felt this buzzing, this energy, move into my chest (just below the heart). I kept up this breathing and rippling pattern for several minutes (it looks a bit odd at work), and when I was finished I just basked in the energies radiating from my core in waves.
While this had opened up a new channel of energies for me, this also fueled the 'less session into something I've never experienced before. Instead of being prostate/anal driven, this was centered in my stomach, chest and legs. It began as a slight buzzing, but grew into so much more. I could feel my prostate swell, but there was no movement in the anal canal. Instead, the individual muscles of my legs began to squirm, my ribs were buzzing with energy, and my stomach was quivering uncontrollably. After a few minutes of this, the p-waves began. They didn't just begin, they slammed me HARD. My legs were trembling, my stomach and chest were constantly clenching, nipples became incredibly sensitive to everything (even the fabric of my shirt rubbing against them), my breasts began clenching. This was full body. This was pleasure.
This was release. The release of all the energies I've been absorbing into my body with no regard for where they were being stored. Release of all the subconscious expectations of pleasure that I've been holding onto during this journey. Release. Such a simple word, and yet that's what it was. Once things finally calmed down, I took a break and stepped outside. The cool air felt crisp on my face, and the world smelled delicious. I basked in the afterglow of this experience, not wanting to label it or analyze it. It happened, and I relished every Earth-shattering second of it. I was happy. Real happy. Not just because of the pleasure, but because I realize just how much this journey has to offer me. Where to go from here? Only time will tell, and I'm sure you'll all be there every step of the way. Of that I'm sure, and it brings me great joy knowing I can share in my journey with you all.
**Apparently the title is an unintentional reference to "Dan Dare and the Mekon", which was brought to my attention by twlltin today.