Over and Done with….

5:45 am: I got in my car and headed home. Before walking outside I looked over my shoulder, one last glimpse, he's standing there. I feel my heart pause for a second. I take a deep breath and force myself to keep moving. My throat is tight, my feet feel heavy, my palms are sweaty. What I'd like more than anything is to run back into his arms and never let him go. I cant do that, we already talked about this. I'm at my car, I put my bag in the trunk, then get inside. I start my car and back out. As I pass the front door I look for him, don't see him. Eyes forward…I'm headed "home".

Back to "normal" life for me and far away from the fairy tale the last day and a half has been. Back to being alone. Back to sleeping alone. Back to cumming alone. Back to dreaming about a life I wont have. Tears continue to fall down my face, I have to learn to control this unnatural attachment to forbidden fruit. He wont miss me so why do I miss him? I'll be the one still feeling how perfectly he fit me, remembering how he touched all the right spots inside me effortlessly. Being a woman sucks, giving someone your body, the deepest part of you knowing its just sex for them really blows. Knowing its only a matter of time before he feels relatively the same thing with somebody else…really fucking sucks. However, its not my ploy to change him. I love him just the way he is, I want him happy, he's so much fun happy.

Maybe if I go back to being the cold woman who didn't feel anything for anybody. I hated the numbness, I hated the loneliness, but at least then I never felt the feelings of heartache. I already feel the loneliness so I have to decide which is the better of two evils…heartache or numbness. Its not his fault, I don't blame him for anything, I haven't figured out how to do this yet. Haven't figured out how to be detached and sexually active. Haven't figured out why I desire emotional connection so much…maybe the addict in me has awoken. I haven't figured out how to make the dreams of him stop, nor the fantasies, nor my feelings for him. I'm really good at holding it all in, at least for now, but sometimes i wonder if I'll explode soon.

10:30 am: I pull into my driveway. His truck is here. When I left he called I didn't answer…he texted I didn't respond. I think he knew I was going to see someone else. I didn't care, he'd neglected me for far too long. So he's here now, I touch his hood…its cold. He's been here a while. I walk inside somethings not right I can feel it. I head towards the master bath to shower, when I got to the bedroom I see him…I see them…

He's pounding away at her, I stand there speechless. Wonder what it is about her…what makes him want to screw her and not me even though I've begged for it more than once. Then I hear him tell her he loves her…then I hear my self ask…you love her? I startled them, they scramble to get dressed. You love her, I say to him in disbelief. All the missing pieces fall into place. On the way out the door I grab my keys and purse, I don't take time to wipe the fresh tears I have to get out of here. He runs after me, I'm closing the car door. He's yelling for me to wait and its not what it looks like. The look I gave him silenced him…I drove off.

11:23 am: I'm hitting the track harder than I have in a week. Thankfully I had my gym bag in the trunk. Trying to run the pain away isn't working. Trying to clear my head isn't working. After 3 miles and a bucket of sweat…I feel the same…just tired. I haven't eaten…I should eat…I have no appetite. I schedule a therapy session for tomorrow, then call a business colleague of mine. There is no way I'm sleeping in that bed or in that house tonight, he has a house I can crash at. Maybe I can get my head together then. Haven't heard from either of them. I don't expect to. That hurts but I don't feel it at the moment.

Tomorrow's tasks:
1. Destroy my bed….currently working on it
2. Buy another bed and linens…DONE
3. Change the locks…DONE
4. Break out the Aneros and try to ride my sorrow away…

I have a feeling a lot of new blogs are going to come from this…