A lesson about loving others and myself.

About half an hour ago, I concluded the most profound session I've ever experienced. I have never written an account of a session before, so bare with me as I try to describe what was a deeply emotional and enlightening experience.

I'll start with a little background about myself. I'm a 30 year old single bisexual man living on the West Coast USA. I have been riding for about 2 years. I began riding after I read about Super-Os on the Internet and thought, "who wouldn't want to soup up their orgasms?" My journey began in hedonism, but as with so many others my path has twisted into a spiritual forest.

This twist began with my first Super-O this past November, or rather, the glow of love I found inside that Super-O. The past few years of my life have also been a quest to build self-compassion and heal old wounds, which is why I felt the need to nurture and explore that glow. Soon, my quest to sink deeper into the emotional dimensions of the Super-O and my life's spiritual quest were intertwined. I spoke with members about their spiritual experiences with the Aneros and tried to foster connection, began to meditate both in and out of sessions, and generally worked on loving and accepting myself. As time has passed, I developed the ability to have powerful a-less sessions, which made it easier to incorporate the practice into my life's journey.

To set the stage for today, recently user artform suggested I read "The Multi-Orgasmic Man" by Mantak Chia and I started to work through it this week. I was struck by its description of channeling erotic energy in the body, and particularly the "Cool Draw" and "Big Draw" exercises. I realized that I had been mimicking something similar to achieve Super-Os: using my perineum and anal muscles to pump energy from my prostate up my spine to my brain, and then down into my abdomen. Excited, I decided to withhold ejaculating )something I hardly ever do( to build energy. This week was busy professionally, so I didn't have much time to be erotic anyway, but in spare moments I'd feel some of that extra energy and I'd cycle it through my body as described in the book.

Today I began leaking a little prostate fluid after urinating. This happens to me after I stop ejaculating for a few days: a few seconds after I stop urinating a few drops of milky fluid will make their way out of me. This happening in the past has always made me feel erotically charged, and today was no different. In the early afternoon I shared a session with a friend online, and had a magical Super-O that was enhanced as I tried to imitate The Big Draw during my session. Afterwards, I finished up some work and felt accomplished, then had some dinner. I contemplated meditating or listening to a talk, but something inside me was still stirring.

Soon, without much thought, I found myself spreading my comforter on the floor to serve as a cushioned space I could lie on. I like to do this so I can lie down with my headphones plugged into my speaker system. I put on one of BigOLuvers recorded sessions, which I'd yet to listen to. Within a few seconds of listening I'd stripped my boxers and pulled my shirt up to my neck. On my back, with my knees bent and feet on the floor, my body began to instinctively pump the energy from my swollen prostate up my spine into my brain.

Soon, listening to the recording was too much effort. As my body writhed I clumsily cast my headphones off. I concentrated on the circuit running from my prostate up my spine to my brain, feeling the energy in bursts. I soon began visualizing a blue tornado of energy in my brain, like a rotating spindle winding up electric threads being pulled from their source in my prostate. My muscles pumped and pumped until my head felt so warm and full, and then I remembered I should press my tongue to the roof of my mouth and channel the energy into my belly.

I did so, and the flow of energy triggered intense pleasure. With more clarity than early in the day, I felt the flow from my prostate, up my head into the swirling tornado, then down my throat and sternum and into my belly. There was a loop of light and love shooting from my throbbing erection to a pool of contentment and love mixing in my belly.

I felt the erotic energy drain from my brain and released my tongue. I writhed and giggled against the floor as my pelvis greedily pumped more energy to my brain and my erection leaked precum that felt like sparks flowing out of me. The tornado began swirling inside my brain again, and a deluge of erotic imagery began to flood my brain.

It's not unusual for this to happen to me during a session. Images of strong men holding me and thrusting into me, telling me to let go–those are common. Being inside a beautiful and comforting woman, and imagining her orgasming with me is another favorite. Masturbating with another man as he experiences what I experience. Sometimes just beautiful naked people. Often these images are fleeting and occur in rapid succession. The people in them are usually completely made up, or a celebrity, or sometimes a person I know very casually )hmm the mailman sure is cute(.

The deluge flowed first with one of my favorites )oh geese I'm embarrassed( Anderson Cooper making love to me. After a few moments he became an imaginary woodsmen with rugged black stubble and tight muscles. The tornado continued sucking my erotic energy from my prostate like a vacuum pump, and my head cleared, and then *she* was with me.

About 2 years ago a woman came into my life. It wasn't love at first sight, but one day I turned around and I knew I loved her. I've avoided serious relationships my entire life, and so although I felt she was attracted to me I never pursued it. As time passed I saw her and my best friend begin to connect, and they forged a new relationship while I was left imagining what could have been. As is typical of me, I didn't talk much about this with anyone and have kept it a secret. I also just figured that if I ignored it all eventually I just wouldn't be in love with her. But so often I found my brain imagining they had broken up, and that her and I were now together, before I'd catch myself and try to swallow it down.

This woman and my friend live together now. They're a unit and obviously on the road to marriage. We've also learned more about each other and truth be told her and I would genuinely be an awful match, so armed with this knowledge I've tried to tell myself that I'm all over it. Of course, nothing buried is gone.

She appeared in my erotic deluge naked and riding on top of me. I made eye contact with her as my hips bucked up to meet hers grinding into me. She gently caressed her stomach, breasts, and hair as she moved with a loving expression on top of me. I felt us making love in another, crisp world. I realized that, despite my desire for her, I'd never actually envisioned her like this or us together like this. Maybe because it seemed disrespectful of her and my friend. I don't' know. It didn't matter though, I didn't care in that moment. For maybe 30 seconds I existed in this state, making love to the image of a woman I'd wanted very deeply, and on some level still did.

She then vanished, and I knew she would never love me like that. I'd always known this rationally. The thought had crossed my mind several times. But then I just *knew* it. I'm not sure when, but I had started pressing my tongue into the roof of my mouth again, and love was circulating through me. It flowed past my eyes and leaked out in tears as I wept.

In that moment, I then knew that I could have had a relationship with her if I had acted on my feelings, and that I didn't act on my feelings because I didn't feel worthy at the time. I never feel good enough. Then, images of 4 other people from my past jumped in my head. These were also men and women that I could have had relationships with, or could have continued relationships with, if I had approached them from a place of worthiness. Because I didn't love myself, I didn't have the courage to ask them out, or to fight the forces in my life that were keeping us apart. Why take those kinds of chances when you don't think you're worth it anyway?

As the river of erotic love circulated in my body, and as I cried tears of mourning and joy, I knew more than words could ever say that you can't love others if you don't love myself. That was okay. I wasn't judging myself. I was getting down on myself. I just accepted all this.

In the next moment, I knew I was okay. I knew I was fine. I knew I was better than fine. I felt my soul-work this past year, and how much more I loved myself today than in the past. I acknowledged my improvements, and the new connections in my life. I writhed and wept, and images of people showing their love for me, in big and small ways, flooded my brain. Sessions I've shared with other Aneros members. Encouragement given to me by co-workers. Friends showing how they wanted to spend time with me.

And then I saw myself telling myself that I loved myself. I knew it was okay that *she* didn't love me that way, because I loved myself, and that was okay.

I laughed with joy as I realized what a calm and connected sea I was floating in. I laughed as I floated among the stars and felt the universe hug me. I shed more tears as the last of the tornado in my mind flowed into my belly, and the last ounce of my mourning for my lost chance with *her* followed all the others into my sea of self love. I felt ready to let another love in my life.

When I returned to Earth, I found myself in the fetal position, lightly sobbing and giggling. A trace of sadness floated in me, but then I felt proud of how I allowed myself to feel what I needed to feel without turning away. I turned toward that bit of sadness and felt it dissolve. The air felt clear and my vision crisp. Hunger took me. I made a snack. I felt I had to share, and now I've written this. I wanted to let people know about this feeling of my heart opening. I could have never imagined this two years ago, and I hope hearing this helps someone feel connected and encouraged to continue on the path.

Source: https://www.aneros.com/blogs/a-lesson-about-loving-others-and-myself/