Aneros is so far the biggest mistake of my life

Whatever you all think about your own experiences, it should be said that aneros is not for everybody. It wasn’t for me and I am still in pain from the experience.

I was raped at church when as a small child. Additionally I had been psychologically abused by mother who is a psychopath hell-bent on subverting the personal power of her subjects (which in her eyes were her children). She abused me so badly when it came time to mature naturally and take girlfriends, I had intense panic at even talking to the girls I liked. I can say that, having introspected deeply for the past 15 years on the matter (I am 30 now), I can safely say that I am naturally a very confident person and am 100% heterosexual. I am good looking enough, popular enough, girls like me sexually – it wasn’t me. My mother had effectively isolated me from sex by abusing me. She hit me, shamed the hell out of me, gas-lit me, threw my stuff out of the house when I didn’t bow to her demand I clean my room, would make me drink spoiled milk (and it’s not like we were poor, my dad owned his own airplane) because ‘she said so’, she would steal stuff that I liked, she would hide my things, etc…

I have a very powerful sex drive and every social humiliation with the objects of my affection just made the vicious cycle worse.

I would masturbate to porn a lot, mostly in self-medicating ways, I remember the depression where masturbating to porn was all I had. The decision and power to masturbate to porn was mine and no one could take it away from me. It was both pleasure in painful times and an affirmation of my self-power. Naturally with alcohol and years of masturbation this was a nose-dive. I was as horny as ever but not getting any satisfaction as I couldn’t make things happen with the girls that I was actually attracted to. I had the hottest girl in school for my prom date one year and was straight mentally blocked. My mother had ordered me to not have sex before marriage, etc. Another girl I had had a crush on since elementary school and again – straight mental block. These were girls in my effing lap, all I had to do was play the game right and if things would have worked out then they would have worked. Despite how deeply I wanted to have sex with these girls, I was so fucking blocked by my mother and the rape compounding in my deep consciousness that I froze up and faced worse humiliation every time.

I just wanted to have fucking sex with women I was really attracted to instead of the girls that weren’t as hot, weren’t as much as a threat, and whom I could just ‘throw away’. I had sex with girls in college but it wasn’t the sex I wanted. It wasn’t satisfying because they weren’t the girls I was actually interested in.

I was so horny that I started playing with my prostate. Let me tell you, considering the ordeal that I have been through to keep my personal power, going down that route just made things so much worse. No matter how much people say on here or on the internet that playing with your prostate is ‘not gay’, it certainly fucks with you that way. I really tried it, I had three of the aneros. I used them for like a year or something and then threw them away. For me it just compounded all the fucked up shit that had happened to me, isolated me more, made me more afraid of women. I won’t even get into the ‘spiritual aspect’ of it all because that’s another horror altogether. I learned the painful way that, for me, letting anything fuck you, regardless of it being a prostate toy or whatever, is like the most animalistically disgusting thing possible. It was so beyond traumatizing I cannot even begin to describe my pain.

I heard about a study that linked childhood sexual abuse in men to recurring the same sexual act, or whatever. Apparently when boys are raped there’s something to their sexuality that gets ‘imprinted’ in a way, regardless of their orientation. I am so godddamned angry that I went so far into the whole prostate play thing. I still have like phantom penetrations. Like it feels like I’m being raped. I had zero idea this would happen and I hate it. I haven’t used an aneros in over four years and my lymbic system is still in a traumatized state. In my opinion, the prostate is stimulated enough by normal bodily functions and that’s how it ought to be. If you are like me and have had some sort of abuse, sexual or other, I strongly urge you to reconsider. My soul is in the worst hell I could have ever imagined.

I just want a normal relationship with a woman that I am deeply attracted to and to have kids. That’s all I want out of sex. Aneros was a mistake for me and it’s hell living with the compounded trauma. One of the worst ideas ever for a straight man.