This past week I had contact with my family in a way that stirred up anger and fear, which led to renewed feelings of self-loathing and doubt. Much of this anger and fear is about my parents and how they treated me in the past. The self-loathing came from seeing my parents as "evil" beings and seeing myself (unconsciously) as an extension of them.
That contact with my family ended on Friday. I have been reading about Buddhism and practicing Buddhist meditations lately, so I began that practice again on Friday in an attempt to "recover." I also attempted to have a session Friday night. While it was intense and pleasurable (especially since it had been a week since my last ejaculation) I found I wasn't able to "break through" into that special place where I am perfectly loved and accepted. In particular, at the gateway to that place I found an incredible loneliness and need for validation.
On Saturday I began reading some Buddhist discourse on fear and the nature of fear. Much of what I read talked about how many of our fears are an extension of the original fear of abandonment and death we develop when we leave the womb, since at that time being abandoned means death. I began to see how these ideas were at play in my relationship with my parents and my pattern of self-doubt. My parents are the type to love people conditionally, and I started to see why the fear of losing them caused me so much pain. I saw that that fear of abandonment was tied to my fears around death and survival. The book I was reading recommended meditative exercises where the inner (fearful) child was allowed to express these fears, and the adult self then comforted the inner child–reminding it that it can now survive on its own and give itself love.