grateful

16 comments

1. Hi grateful,

   I really do appreciate the nice words. Trying to help others down this path was certainly a big part of why I wanted to start my blog. It was also very important to me to be able to put on a 'time line' what was happening to me. I happen to be the type of guy who is much better off having this happen slow so I can figure out what it means to me. I have opened up to so many possibilities! I almost felt embarrassed to have not been able to recognize that I was in fact experiencing Super O's. I have read with much interest those forum threads that say if you have to ask, you have not had one. That philosophy did not work for me because I really did not have an accurate picture of what a Super O was. I believe that it can be different with people. There is so much to it! I understand now that it is very important to spend some time at every level and enjoy it. I could not have said it better. Thanks grateful.

   Buster

2. Hey Buster, After reading your blog, having your comment was kind of like getting instant feedback from the author of a meaningful book I've read. Kind of funny, huh? But really, experiencing your journey and the entrys of encouragement from Nood and Charlie, etc. was quite special for me. Your transparency and complete honesty really helped me get it. I have never been a natural appreciator of process. I am a pretty intense person, trying to learn to live and experience my moments. You are a great tutor in that department. I am truly enjoying this forum. What an unlikely rallying point for such a great group of men. I hated sociology in college because I didn't really understand or appreciate the discipline, but I now have a socialogical curiosity concerning our subset. I am not a blogger or a forum participant anywhere else, but I have to think that the level of discourse in this forum must be unusually high (for the most part). It makes me wonder, in a kind of chicken/egg way, the contribution the Aneros journey itself adds to the lives and personalities invovled. The way the product is referred to, as a male sex toy, isn't what distilled this genuinely interesting bunch of folks, so it is something else… Just thinking out loud. You have a great heart Buster! To the process and to savoring the moments! grateful

3. Just checking in with an update. The day after my breakthrough experience I had another confirmation that the path is getting more fruitful and interesting, followed by a dose of reality. I had my morning bm and it touched off a series of P Waves leading to a Mini O before I left the bathroom. I took my shower and these minis were coming, one after another. They wouldn’t stop as I got dressed. I was enjoying them and I had to keep moving as I had an appointment. I stopped and did a strange combination of enjoying them while trying to focus on getting them to stop. I was still having them as I got into my car. Fortunately, they dissipated as I began to drive; all of this, obviously, sans Aneros. I was so thrilled by this new experience and was looking forward to my next opportunity to have a session. It came at bedtime. I had some great feelings leading only to the edge and no matter what I did, I could not cross over. It put me face to face with the same old issue I have with not cooperating with a process. I knew from my successful experiences that trying hard has not ever been the path. I knew even as I was trying that this was not the means by which I got there previously. I think my strong desire to feel it again enabled me to fool myself into thinking that it might be different this time and I could still have success. I kept at it for a surprisingly long time – man I was determined to get to the other side! I was whooped. I am much more content at this point to calm down, regroup and begin another day when I am in a more relaxed state. Oh the joys of interacting with the inner me! I will keep updating as I know that this any help others makes sense out of what they’re experiencing – and I have to get this out somehow. grateful

4. Another update. First of all, I don't know how I have been missing it, but I read Mayfield's "B's Keys to the Backdoor" sticky thread, which I am sure I have read before, only the information all seemed new. Either I was reading the "Beeline" all the time and hadn't gotten to the "Keys" or it has been so long and I have experienced more and it put the info into a new context. Anyway for anyone reading my blog, if you haven't read "B's Keys…" please do that first. It is pretty much a definitive manual. Anyway, my update is that I now believe that I am not ultimately in control of my sessions. Someone in this forum suggested that if nothing particularly special happens in the first half hour, quit and wait until another time. That is wonderful advice. I have adopted a kind of guide for whether or not a session is going to result in a non-ejaculatory o. If I find myself moving my body or pressing my self into the bed to push the device a little, that means that, though I may be in for some really great sensations, no orgasm will happen unless I resort to fininshing by traditional masterbation. Now I can save my self the illusion that somehow I can make something happen. When the moment is right, I know it and I relax and let it come; and when I am too distracted, tired or whatever else to make it, I can tell that readily and accept the session for what it is to become. Just a little more awareness on the path. Until next time… grateful

5. Checking in again. The journey has smoothed out considerably. Now that I know more about how I respond to the Aneros, this awareness has allowed me to begin to find a more natural rhythm. I can now go days between uses, where before I have been compelled to use it pretty much daily – sometimes more than once. I still have much to learn. I am beginning my 4th day without a session. I have had mini os on Monday and yesterday without the Aneros in, again after a morning trip to the bathroom. Who would have thought that the toilet would ever kick off something so pleasant? Both times, when I moved to the shower, the warmth and goose bumps I got from the pleasure of the hot water amplified the sensations and caused them to spread. The os come one after another and the whole thing lasts from 15-20 minutes. I have been getting ready to go somewhere, so I have not been able to stop and just enjoy them and see where they lead. The spontaneity of it is such a contrast to the sessions where I have been so eager to bring something about. I am tempted to continue this period of abstaining to see if these unsought mini os still happen. I am wondering if the sensations will slowly receed as I get further away in time from a period of direct stimulation/sensitization. I will likely save that experiment for another time as I am more interested in seeing what happens in my next session – whenever it occurs. Two observations: The first is that I notice that my journey is considerably more up-tight than many others whose posts I am enjoying. Another one is that this rewiring has taken me back, in a way, to adolescence, when I had no control as to when arousal would happen. As an adult I had become used to being more in control of the moments when strong pleasure sensations and urges come over me. Now that control seems to have been erased with the "rewiring". Though the sensations are extremely pleasurable, I am somewhat bothered by the repeated, unannounced and distracting sensations when I am in the middle of a meeting, work project, family gathering – places where I really do want to be entirely present, but am unable because of P-waves or even just a sudden surge of prostate pleasure. Perhaps this will smooth out over time. I am hoping so. I do like to choose the times I enter into strong sensual arousal. This journey has always been a mixed bag for me, with challenges tempering the benefits. But oh, the benefits. I am still amazed that there was this latent adventure hanging around in me all these years! Until next time… grateful

6. Time for an update. No non-traditional orgasms since my last post. I am find ing that, so far, the half hour rule is holding true. If nothing earth-shaking is happening within a half hour it's not going to. I do get more experience for continuing beyond, but I am learning to give up on the O part of the equation at that point. There has just been a flurry of posts on the forum regarding the formation of an Aneros Men's Club. I am thankful for the stewardship of the forum's natural leaders for preserving the great environment we enjoy! I especially appreciated Darwin's observation regarding the ideal world we imagine as opposed to the real one we interact with. Darwin, your maturity is an inspiraton to me!I have been kind of chiding myself about being uptight in my exploration of the Aneros experience. Darwin's post reminds me that I am dealing with the real me, not the ideal one. The real me does have to be vigilant about the paths I chose – especially when it comes to sensuality. To be overcome, even by pleasurable things, can derail other meaningful pursuits I value. So on with my somewhat edgy walk. It isn't pretty, but I am determined to be as careful as I am able. My last post said I my intensity is smoothing out. I still think it is, but it's not as smooth as I thought. Sometimes I feel like I have a tiger by the tail. I share this in case there are some others, like me who are keeping one foot on the break out of concern for loss of reasonable control. I have learned much and will continue, and keep posting. grateful

7. Another update, more for the purpose of tracking my journey than any real break-through. I am in a bit of a holding pattern; kind of keeping my foot in the door. Earlier in the week a flurry of posts kicked of by the amazing progress of Anerider stopped me in my tracks. There have been a few threads like that, when someone breaks through and then the vets share their experiences at heights that I do not yet want to experience. The notion of having a work day filled with orgasmic experiences is somewhere I don't want to go. The thing that has me concerned is the fact that I have had a couple of experiences where I was not thinking of any sensual and, with no Aneros in, I went into dry-orgasms. I'm all for going into an incredible orgasmic zone, but not if the timing and duration is beyond my choice. I can accept wanting one and not achieving it – good thing for me! It's the other direction that has me almost in neutral at this point. I will be very gradually inching forward. The temperance which I was concerned may not come is certainly here for now. I am still enjoying my little version of this jouney, but I am driving as if I am in fog – very slowly and carefully. I am so grateful for this forum as it helps me to see beyond my headlights and proceed with a level of awareness I couldn't have without all of your valuable input. Thanks all! grateful

8. The journey continues and it is definately an individual experience. This continues to be an amazing excursion into new territory. I am in a period of not using any of my three Aneros massagers. I am abstaining only as an opportunity to see how my rewiring reacts to the absence of no object inserted. When I first began gaining the sensations that were coming with the rewiring, I was driven to sessions for two reasons. The first and most obvious to feel and grow the incredible sensations I was feeling. The second was the idea that I needed to kind of keep the pump primed so I wouldn't lose my place. Last weekend I must have pushed the envelope as I became a bit sore. I was hoping that I would not be compelled to use a massager before I had a chance to recoup. This has not been a problem at all because the sensations keep coming every day without using the devices. Wednesday I had two separate times where things were feeling so good that I stopped and just laid down for awhile and the orgasms showed up(what I understand to be mini os). One for 15 or 20 minutes and the other time maybe for 5 minutes. Yesterday was calmer, but the pleasure was still very present. Today I have been having pretty intense surges of pleasure in my prostate all day! I know if I stopped and let them build it would turn into something – maybe I will. Anyway, I think it is as good a time as any to just continue in my abstention and see how long that ability (or state) hangs on. I think I will post a question in the Forum about other's experiences with abstention. I will also record an impression here because I don't think it is appropriate to do via the Forum. Rorymuscle posted an excellent question regarding the biochemical workings involved in the orgasms we are experiencing as it relates to things like seratonin levels. It was his question and I chimed in, but I didn't want to commandeer the thread so I just backed off. My disappointment is that there are so many very intelligent people participating in this Forum and it hasn't seemed to register with many of them (so far) that this is something worth exploration or comment. My thought was that these intense sensations might involve some pretty significant internal chemical dumps and that some research regarding that, or discussion of what is already known might be useful for us. Why is this not of interest? I don't want to think that it is one of those situations where people feel that an answer might rain on our parade, so we ignore it. I did see a little defensiveness in a couple of the responses. I guess it could simply be a lack of interest – could it be that most would say something like "Who cares where it comes (pardon the pun) from – I just love it?!" There are things where a "robbing Peter to pay Paul" principle doesn't apply – and this may be one of those cases, but it is surprising to me that there wasn't more interest.

9. I have had a period of easing back into a more balanced life. Like B. Mayfield assured, things are settling. If I review my process and consider my gains, I am one happy guy. As I posted in response to Beachboy7, I have not had any sort of orgasm with the Aneros in for some time. What I am experiencing with my Aneros sessions is some very great build-ups with really strong pleasurable feelings – in ways stronger than the multiple mini os I am experiencing minus the Aneros. There is just no sort of orgasmic release, just a kind of build-up and fade away pattern. I am using the Aneros now about 2 times per week, about 90 minutes each, and am really enjoying the sessions. I am now very aware of my need to go slowly and have become quite comfortable with it. There are still times within an Aneros session where the pleasure I am experiencing gets so intense that a will try too hard to tip it over the top. I think my reservations about what lies on the other side are what are keeping that from happening. That is a good thing; if or when I become ready for the next level, I imagine that is where I will go. grateful

10. Well, it's the first day of September and the journey continues. It has been posted that our emotional state has much to do with the progress we make on this journey. I took this information in and did my best to try and pay attention to how I was feeling at any given time. I could see that my feelings certainly have an effect on the rewiring process. What I hadn't put together until today was that I have been comparing my emotional state relative only to the time period since I first purchased an MGX in Feb. this year. It was actually the emotional strain I have been under for some years now that caused me to buy what I thought was an anal toy (the MGX) in the first place. Then the promise and challenge presented in the use of Aneros served to kind of wrap me up in this quest – a very understandable means of stepping out of the grinding nature of grief and loss.

    The various posters on this Forum have been a significant source of stability for me as I have come to this place. I have learned so much over this last six months. I am surprised to have to admit how much, subconsciously, I was looking toward a breakthrough in my Aneros quest to be a sort of deliverance. That is why I have been so conflicted about my path. I know that soul peace does not come to me through physical sensations. For me, that is God's realm. I am letting down my guard with God and allowing Him to get at the sources of the pain and as I am doing so, the pressure on the physical outlet is decreasing. This is allowing my path to assume a realistic place in my life – as a source of pleasure and discovery and not deliverance. Pretty major stuff for me! I know now that I will be dealing with this kind of teeter-totter as I go forward, but at least it's not in the dark any more.

    If you have suffered through all of this emotional content, here is the physical side:
    After a couple of weeks of using abstention to get perspective, I have resumed a regular schedule of Aneros use with more focus being spent on the feelings and less on a destination. I have had a couple of dry orgasms with the Aneros in, with the Eupho and Helix. I have yet to have any kind of orgasm with the MGX, but I still love it. I can get very satisfying feelings which don't lead to any kind of O and the MGX has been very effective generating them.
    The MGX is the only one of the three with its tail remaining. I bit the bullet and snipped the Eupho a couple of weeks back and am very happy with the results. I am thinking that if I bobbed the MGX I might break through with it, but I am going to keep this one's handle intact and buy another one to bob if I feel I need to try that. I want to keep one as the manufacturer provided it and see what happens with it. As crazy as it might sound I REALLY like the way it makes me feel, even though I haven't come to an orgasm with it.

    The ongoing sensations I am experiencing between sessions are becoming less of a distraction for me. I was noticing yesterday that they feel more like a warm friend than an intruder now. In my sessions themselves I have acheived some milestones that I believe are leading to a Super O experience. In the past, involuntaries were not a feature, now they are. With their presence I am more able to be an observer and less likely to try and force the feelings toward a destination. The build up is very strong and I am thinking that at any time they are going to tip over to something. It feels incredible to just hold the strong sensations and let the burn (for lack of a better term) just stay there. My pulse just soared thinking about it. It feels really good to be a able to call a session immediately after this experience and not have this drive to somehow finish it. It will come another time and it is a great ride until then. grateful

11. Wow Greatful! What a post! You are certainly on a quest here on so many levels. I cant help but notice that the Aneros has become a positive element of where you are going. It is hard to put into words how it seems to broaden your perspective of yourself. I have had others question it, and it is difficult to put into words. The only 'one word' I can come up with is 'confidence'. It seems to fit the bill. I appreciated your candor in this post. It will help others in their journey. May the wind always be at your back.

    Buster

12. Thanks so much for the kind words, Buster. You are a great support! grateful

13. On this first day of October, I am checking in with the latest. The teeter-totter continues with my emotional state having an obvious impact on the pattern of my Aneros sessions. I sway between having a centered approach, to a more frantic, consuming and disjointed period, followed by another, more calm and balanced time. I have gone through enough cycles of this to know that I am ready to take a different direction for awhile. I am going to take a prolonged period of abstaining from having sessions to allow myself to deal with some of my emotional issues head on – without the distraction. My hope is that I will come to a place where the things I consider important in my life are receiving something close to their proportional attention with more consistency. As it is now, that is not the case. I will check in from time to time.
    For the record, in this last month I have had almost no dry orgasms, but many, many sessions with really great things happening, which find a way to fall just short of tipping over into any type of big O. I have been OK with it, for the most part, but I do find myself getting into these series of days where I have repeated sessions even though I should be doing other things. It seems like I’m looking for something consciously, but more likely running from something underneath it all. For any of you struggling in a similar way, you might want to consider taking a break and spending some time just being with yourself and your feelings. I anticipate that this will be a positive thing for me. As Rumel says: “Good vibes to you all”. grateful

14. Good luck Grateful and come back when you are more centered. I have been in your position and I know what you are talking about. I think that time away is a great thing.

    Buster

15. Thought I'd check in. It has been a good month of reconnecting with the essential me. I have learned a bit that I thought I would share. First, my original intent was to lay off using the Aneros for a good long while – this has not happened. What did happen is that I have throttled way back on the quest for greater heights and have kept a maintenance level of use. I have not had a non-ejaculatory orgasm of any sort in the last month and a half and am content with that. The session frequency has moved to about one every three days and I have really enjoyed most of them. I would not be surprised at all if an MMO producing session comes along pretty soon – and wouldn't be surprised if it doesn't. One thing I have learned about Aneros use so far is that I have only once felt like what I was doing had an influence on my having MMOs – my first time. Since then, they seem to come whenever they please. I look back to the very short time period where they would come on me without an Aneros in me and without me even actively pursuing anything and it's hard to believe that really happened – it did. I know that I am now a split screen; on one level wanting to feel those great sensations again and on another level, enjoying the much more casual, peaceful and self-controlled journey I am on now. When I feel those really strong, pre-orgasmic feelings, I am consciously aware of a tug of war way deep within me – one part wanting to let go and another kind of clenching it back. I am just noticing that and not trying to manipulate the situation in any way. After a time, I will call it good and put the tool away for the next time. I have been using all three, the MGX, the Eupho and the Helix equally. It's funny to m that the MGX – my only Aneros which still has its handle – has yet to produce one orgasm and yet gives me the most amazing feelings. I believe that when I do actually experience an orgasm with it, it is going to be my best ever. I would have never thought it possible to feel so good and never crest as I do with it! In between sessions now, I am continually caressed inside by great, warm sensations in my prostate area and that is great. This has gone long and I must get busy. I will share more soon. Peace. grateful

16. I'm checking in again. The jouney continues, along with the self-discovery. I continue to be amazed at the pre-orgasmic level I can remain at over days. I have been feeling the strongest great feelings which don't cross the treshhold into an orgasm. At times I can be frustrated and at times I think "This is amazing that I can feel this good just sitting here". I have had a couple of sessions where mini os showed up, both with and without an Aneros in, but I have been mostly without that cross-over. I think I remember Buster mentioning once that he felt that in the beginning of his process it was important to keep the frequency of use up until the rewiring process had developed to the point where your body kind of knows the way. I think I may have stopped short for different reasons a number of times and have resolved to maintain regular use, focussing as much as I am able on being in the moment with the understanding that I won't take any prolonged abstention until I am experiencing orgasms more regularly. I have learned that I cannot predict my results, but I will be surprised if this doesn't yeild positive ones. I do sense that I have an unexplainable hesitation when it comes right to the doorway of release, but i think that the more I go to the edge, the greater my level of comfort and then the greater my chances of entering. I am constantly reminding myself that each time I have crossed over there has never been any effort that I could detect as having caused it – it just happened. This should ultimately translate into a more relaxed approach, but my split screen of wanting MMOs so badly and simultaneously being fearful of them at some level is causing it took take longer. I believe that, though I can't make it happen, I will also not be able to successfully prevent it from happening if I continue going back to the doorway through. We'll see! Happy New Year eveyone! grateful

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