Reflections on My First Session

Reposted from the forum…

First of all, thank you for the kind encouragement and comments. From what I have read on this forum so far it is apparent that the members who post here are extremely supportive. On this journey, which in and of itself is ultimately a personal and solitary endeavor, having others to share experiences and insights with is vital.

I may take up the offer of starting a blog of my progress. I think it would be of general and personal interest.

As a brief follow up to today’s session, I wanted to touch on a few things. The most immediate is the “state” I find myself inhabiting. By “state” I mean my current emotional/psychological condition. I find it extraordinary that the feelings of well-being continue to persist. Throughout the day, I have reflected not a few times on how good I feel. I have been under the heavy cloud of depression for most of my adult life. I have taken medication for it. I have practiced meditation. I have experienced contentment and quiet joy at various times through medication and meditation. What I experienced today was very much like those occurrences. The major difference is that I haven’t been on medication in over four years or meditated for even longer.

Who could imagine a supposed medical/sexual device as an instrument of mental well-being? Though it’s early yet in my exploration, this first experience bodes well for this kind of application.

Who could imagine that a “sexual” activity would turn into a meditative discovery of bliss?

Who could imagine that a “masturbatory” event would have such profound consequences? Here I am, hours later, and I still can’t help smiling in quiet amazement.

This device, this experience, was much more than a journey towards orgasm. The implication inherent in this is quite awe-inspiring.

Who could image?

Right now, I have the need to tell all the novice pilgrims–those about to undertake this beautiful journey and those recently underway–to enjoy each step, to linger here and there, to take delight in every experience–open your eyes, your hearts, your bodies and minds. It is not a race. The destination is not important. There are no rules. No one wins or loses.

Drift along as if on a slow river. Experience each moment to the fullest. Think not of the journey’s end—to do so is to ignore this moment. This moment. Now.

I know that for quite a few folks, the ultimate goal is a “Super-O.” Nothing wrong with that. It’s healthy to have a goal. Where the difficulty lies is in the grasping of that goal. The attachment to that goal. I have had some Zen experience in my youth and like most of the beginners, enlightenment was THE THING. We wanted it like breathing itself. We wanted it with all the straining might of a heart for a soulmate. And that was the problem. That want, that attachment, that obsession, became a great wall—one that defeated every effort to climb. The path to enlightenment is not a straight and narrow path towards eternal bliss. It’s light, evanescent, shifting, a firefly eluding the grasping hand. It’s full of contradictions and absurdities. It’s pain and suffering. It’s joy and laughter. To truly grasp enlightenment, you must let go…

To attain a Super-O, you must surrender the need for a Super-O. Relax your grip.

Relax your mind. Give up your expectations. Each journey on this path is unique unto yourself. You will find your own way. No one can actually take you there. You must arrive alone.

As I started my session today, I found myself obsessing on details—this from having read way too much about the subject. Do I have enough lube? Am I lying on the “correct” side? Is my leg bent enough? Is the Aneros set right? Are my contractions too soft? Too hard? Too short? Too long? Am I breathing right? How often should I contract? What should I contract? Am I doing any of this correctly? Am I? Am I?

I came to the point of telling myself—“Enough!” It doesn’t matter. Relax. Empty the mind. Be within yourself. There’s no right. There’s no wrong. Experience what’s going on, right now. Pay attention. Let whatever happens, happen. Try this, try that, FEEL. There’s no goal in mind. I’m not here for a Super-O. I’m not here for a Less that Super-O. I’m here to experience whatever happens—good, bad, or indifferent. Whatever.

Once I threw off the yoke of expectation, I opened up, I became receptive, I became able to recognize and feel pleasure in whatever form it might take. What I felt in the beginning stages was very much like a gentle cool breeze on a hot day. It was unexpected and very subtle—but wonderful nonetheless. Everything built from that tiny shiver of pleasure. And it was only built by gentle handling—as if trying to nurture and grow a fragile flower. That such a towering tree might erupt from this fragility was a thought I never entertained, but nevertheless ultimately experienced.

Had I tried too hard to make that flower grow, it would have wilted and died…

Looking back at what I have written, it is amazing that the seemingly simple act of inserting a piece of hard plastic into one’s anus would warrant such ponderings. I thought about excising some of the more philosophical points, but then I thought, “No, this is how I feel. This is what I experienced. This was an extremely subjective experience. Maybe someone will get something out of it.”

For me, all this spiritual/philosophical scribbling is a sure sign of having hit upon something greater than myself—and yet paradoxically, realizing that this something IS none other than myself.

I see the Aneros as both a pathway to a wonderful orgasm and as a tool for better understanding my mind, body, and spirit. It may just be the ultimate meditation tool—it certainly gave me a sense of oneness and peace (a sense that seems to have longevity) in a manner far easier than the traditional weeks, months, or even years of formal meditation.

But as I have written earlier, I have only begun this journey. I can only speculate, but if today’s session is any indicator, I am in for quite an extraordinary trip.

I hope each and every one of you finds your own journey as equally rewarding.

Enjoy yourself… and then share that enjoyment.