I have been doing research into tantric BDSM. This pursuit has given me much insight into several sexual aspects that I embrace, but never had an exact name for. I have been learning breathing techniques, mental exercises, chakra balancing, and overall conscious awareness. One of the great things I've been learning is how to make a space sacred. This can include ritual and alters etc…but can be as simple as mentally removing all distractions of daily life and simply being fully present and conscious in the moment. Some may use salt or sage to create a physical circle around a space to signify the area sacred, others may just perform certain routine. For example, in a BDSM scene, preparing the toys, cleaning them, setting them out, getting the ambiance just right with music and lighting can create a sacred space. It's building up the scene and removing daily life and distraction.

Wanting to focus on how I can make my Aneros session sacred, essentially how can I remove the daily distraction of quotidian life and blend into this wonderful ecstasy journey, I performed a few rituals myself. First, I used a gentle anal douche and cleaned myself out fully. While I normally do this anyway, this time I do so with full conscious intent and presence to realize this is the first step for me. I am choosing to enter into a session with the best intent to block out distraction and daily life and enjoy what Aneros has to offer for me. I felt the water go into me and rest and fully enjoyed the anal stimulation provided by the nubs on the douche itself. When the water released, I felt fully released. I just let go and let it all flow. It was cathartic and enjoyable. After a few rounds of that, I took a shower. I wanted to clean my body and my mind. After working all day, being sweaty and dirty doesn't really make me feel comfortable whey I'm lying in bed naked. While I let the water run over me, I also let my stress wash away. I employed some breathing and visualization techniques to start focusing my mind into slipping into a receptive role. When my body was clean, I shaved my anal area and perineum. When I washed away all the loose hair and cleaned that area once more with soap, I was so sensitive touching myself that my arousal was starting to really warm up.

After drying off and finishing my shower, I started to lube up my Eupho and think about what role I want to imagine this session.

I have to preface myself just a little bit here. I think I have a wonderful characteristic that I have often felt shame for. I have not only felt shame, but weakness for how I am. I have finally learned to embrace all of who I am and have just taken off as a person and sexually as well. I am a male, but mentally I am a male with a very strong female side to me. I feel emotions very strongly and feminine. I act as both male and female, but when I feel my most sexual, my most prominent sexually, it is when I truly let the female out to embrace her power and her control. I find the grace and allure of feminine power and sexuality to be the epitome of sexy. Even the men I'm attracted to are feminine. This always poses a conundrum for me because I want to be taken. So, how do I have a femme guy take me? Well, that is a bit of a moot point in my life right now, but it's oh so much fun to imagine.

Not only do I share a male/female persona in one body and have learned to act as both in a fluid oneness, both were very compartmentalized for a long time which did cause some serious depression and unhappiness, I also have a strong Dom/sub persona living inside of me as well. My whole life has been about who is in charge. Perhaps this is due to my up bringing, or maybe just an innate need to know where I belong and what my role is. I'm not sure. It's just who I am, and I've accepted that. In the BDSM community I would be known as a switch. So, I guess if you want to break things down, I'm a bit of a genderbent switch. When I'm Dom, I'm fully masculine. When I'm submissive, I'm fully femme. It's not because I feel that men should be in charge and women not, it's just that's how I feel and what makes me happy.

All of this explanation leads up to my session last night. As I prepare my Eupho, who do I want to be tonight? I have near limitless options. So, I quiet my mind and go with my natural feeling. Tonight, I wanted to be the submissive slut girl. I insert my Eupho and head into bed. I have a towel down on my bed already and, with Eupho inserted, lay belly down on the towel. Belly down was for two reasons. First, I have a pinched nerve in my L4-L5 and sacral plexus. This causes sciatic pain to run down my leg and into my foot. Laying belly down allows me to rest on my forarms to remove the pressure on the compressed disc. Second, it allows me to enter a submissive state of humbleness for my imagined Master.

In such a state, the excitement was immediate. I truly felt that my anal area was my pussy. I spread my legs wide because I pictured my Master behind me ordering me to do so. He wanted to see his sluts wetness and excitement. And was I ever excited! P-waves started blasting through me like no other. My energy was pouring out of me and all around me. He gave me imagined orders and I followed them to the letter. I truly felt like I had a vagina that was oozing sex and eros. The p-tab on the Eupho felt like my hard clit. I was truly in the moment. I was involved so deeply that I nearly forgot about my very hard cock except for one or two very strong contractions. Prostate fluid and precum was leaking out of me so naturally that I also imagined that to be my wetness growing.

I kept thinking back to what I was reading about tantric BDSM. I let go and embraced what my body and mind wanted at the time. I imagined the pain of my inner thighs being flogged and that pain radiating throughout my body. This caused my inside to vibrate and stimulate my prostate even more. I was shaking the whole bed from thrusting and convulsing with pleasure. The heat and sting from the imagined shots flowed through me and out of me.

Mentally, I loved being the "good girl". I fully embraced that role and was truly happy. I felt fully receptive and in turn had a wonderful session because I was receptive to the pleasure of Aneros as well. After a while of being on my stomach, or face down with ass up in the air, I did switch to lay on my back. Immediately my feet came together and my hands just lay at my side palms up. Then energy pouring out and through me was incredible. Nothing about what I was feeling was dark at all. Nothing was pain or hurt. It was all fully embraced and created by me and accepted by me. I just lay calm and peaceful seeing the energy rise up and around me. My eyes were closed, but everything was so vivid and bright energy wise that I felt like my eyes were open. Indeed they were, but to another field of vision. The energy lattice was being visualized as I reached out and connected with other energies reaching back to me. At one point I drifted off to a faint sleep.

I don't know how much time I passed in that faint sleep, but I woke to a rising Super O. My cock suddenly snapped to full attention and was pouring with orgasmic energy. I felt like it might open and spill its orgasm at any moment. That entire sensation rushed through my entire body and being. I was no longer the femme girl slut, but myself in my normal male state enjoying all the sensations of being male. I felt full body stimulation and shaking. I reached great pleasure heights and Os, and Super-O. I rubbed my nips because they felt like they wanted to be rubbed for the first time in ages. I rode the wave that was washing over me.

Many refer to this pleasure as a wave. It's also called that in tantra. I truly is a wave. In physics, waves are absolutely everywhere. Sin waves, audio waves, light acts as a wave and particle. So, I think it's only natural that we perceive such energy as waves. As well, we also sometimes call our rising pleasure a brewing storm. Some get scared of the storm coming, but we are one with the storm. We are the same energy. We are able to fly with the storm and let it pass and wash over us. We cannot control the storm, but we can experience it if we let go of our need to control and fear long enough.

I had several rises and falls of this nature until I decided I wanted to finish and go to bed. I have also been reading that when one enters such heightened states of ecstasy they can enter the Forever Space. This is an area where we can literally stay forever because it is so enjoyable. Imagine being out with friends or having a genuine good time. Haven't we all thought at one point or another, "Man, I could do this forever." The truth is, reality doesn't let us. I had had my fun and found some great insights about myself and was ready to leave my Forever Space. I had to bring myself back down. I choose to end with a Super T. I wanted to just embrace that feeling as well. I was not disappointed in the least. Stroking my cock felt so good that I had to stop several times and let the over stimulation subside before I could resume again. The result was a full moaning, body induced, bed shaking orgasm. It was a blissful moment.

I feel truly blessed to be able to take these individual journeys inside of myself. I look forward to taking such insight and practice into my partnered play. Being a dynamic person that has strong femme qualities has given me the empathy and understanding of acceptance and grace. Embracing my submissive side has shown me the joy and happiness that I feel from serving. Both can give me invaluable insight into wanting to be more dominant. I can sense from my partner that what she does is out of love for me but also an innate happiness and sense of pride that her actions cause me joy. It is the same feeling that I embraced last night.

After feeling apathetic about an Aneros session for some months now, and having apathetic results in a session, approaching last night's session with a trifecta of sexuality really opened an erotic door towards higher pleasure, peace, happiness, bliss, and ecstasy. This is exactly what I was hoping for in starting this particular journey. If this is my first step, I look forward to many more. I honestly can't wait until next time to see what role, what gender, and what heights await for me.

I would strongly encourage any who feel that they have a part of themselves that they hide from others, you might be hiding it from yourself too. At least allow yourself to embrace who you are when you can and how you can. Take pride that you are the great person you are no matter how you feel. The universe accepts and loves all. We should at the very least accept and love all of who we are. If we can't love ourselves, how can we expect to love others? Until next time, I wish all those who take the time to read this to approach their explorations with curiosity and excitement. Take care all.


  1. I found this an intriguing read. Personally, it gives me a better idea of some of the obstacles in my way. I appreciate you sharing this. All the best rikaaim.

  2. 44309,

    Thank you once again for your support. I am glad that you found this useful. I always hesitate when I post because I fear that I am not going to connect with someone. I fear ridicule. I fear being rejected. It is this fear that I was finally given a name for. Last night during chat CT was very informative in helping me learn about myself. I was stuck in my own "man box" about what I "should" be and "should" feel. I even said in this post above that I felt shame for who I am and what I feel. Not everyone will "get" me or feel what I feel, but I understand who I am and am proud of who I am. The fact that I can in some way offer guidance, insight, or assistance is what truly brings me joy. I hope to continue this journey with as much excitement as I feel now. You've been a true source of inspiration and encouragement recently 44309. Thanks for reading and commenting.

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