Author: smudgefish

Still so close

I had several very intense sessions yesterday. Each one seems to be getting closer. Yesterday evening I had some very intense feelings start out of the blue whilst at the computer and they became unbearably good lasting for ages. I actually felt as if it was really going to happen again, I felt the waves just starting to spread but still it just didn't set in and eventually I had to stop.
I'm wondering if having a break would be good, but my sexual tension is building, I' not allowing myself to masturbate, and each session gets better, so for now I am pushing on. There is still a very significant subconscious block working, maybe it is just expectation, or it could be something else. I know the answers will come to me if I am patient. If I am honest I am still very disappointed that's it's not happening, I have to let that go and enjoy the journey. Everything happens for a reason, maybe the moment I truly stop feeling disappointed and am grateful for what I have achieved then I will progress.

I am practicing meditation and bandhas. Using the Uddiyana Bandha can amplify sensations quite significantly so I am using it a lot. I'm working towards being able to do Maha Bandha. I didn't realise how stressed I was. Meditation and being aware of stress and using concious relaxation is starting to work, changing the habits of 40 years takes time.

An awakening?

I woke up this morning and noticed that I was abdominal breathing whereas normally I have a very dysfunctional upper chest breathing pattern. I felt quite emotional as if it’s a sign that something is changing.

Everything is starting to make some sort of sense now. I think that I had a form of Kundalini experience when I had my super-super-O. It was no different to what many people have described experiencing on the forum, but for me it was more profound on an emotional level, and I wasn’t ready for it, or maybe it was given to me for a reason so that I would realise what I needed to do with my life and how I needed to change. It’s all very spiritual and I’m a very logical scientific person but somehow it just seems to make sense and I’m happy with that.

I am now reading all about Kundalini and learning about meditation. I always thought that meditation was simply about relaxing, and yoga was just about sitting in odd positions and relaxing. There is so much more to it and I wish I had learnt about this years ago. Someone put a link to this blog in the forum and it has opened my eyes totally and explained to me what it is all about. So I am now practicing breathing patterns, and trying to completely change my attitude to life, and already I am experiencing changes. I am starting from basics. I can see where I need to go with my life now. Read more »

so close…..

Last night I felt like trying again. It felt as if something had changed. I had identified guilt as a possible cause of my blockage and was determined that I needed to enjoy myself and not care what anyone else thought, so even though I didn’t know if my wife was asleep I started to build the feelings and sink into an orgasm.

I didn’t have an orgasm despite an hour trying with and without the aneros. It did feel good, and I was close for a long time, I even felt the sensation of falling into an orgasm starting twice the first one within minutes of starting, a real pleasurable orgasm, different to the weak watery orgasms I have had in the last week which were more just like a release of muscular tension without any pleasure waves. But they didn’t actually happen. I didn’t quite fall over the edge, in fact I think I was a bit nervous of it. It felt a bit like trying to start a petrol engine, it fired a few times but never actually got going on its own.

I don’t feel totally devastated about this as I might have done a few days ago. It was actually good and I can feel something lifting. I regard it as another step on the journey and I feel that I can be patient because I really think it will happen again. Read more »

Not sure what to call this one

This now feels slightly out of place in a blog about using the aneros, but the journey started when I opened that box, and it has taken me in a very unexpected direction.

I have read about spiritual awakening and I can recognise a lot of it happening in myself. I am letting it happen to me. Emotions and thoughts keep washing over me. I imagined myself telling my father that I loved him )it's complex( and broke down in tears as I drove into work. It struck me how similar it was to having an orgasm, the process was out of my control, my breathing seemed to push it further on and my body convulsed slightly and I felt a tension being lifted. I didn't crash. There is some circularity to everything that is happening now.

After this morning it all went quiet. I had a calm day at work. There's probably more to come I just need to wait.

Then I read more about chakras. I'm still slightly confused about them. My friend knows a lot and is keen to guide me, and she knows people who know even more. I will be asking her for more guidance soon as things progress. Read more »

More thoughts

I’m going to analyse again as I'm still blocked.

This experience has touched me deeply. I feel as if I have triggered something very profound.

I was sent to boarding school at 13 and bullied badly, I was made to feel worthless and had no friends for years. I have felt very angry with parents for letting this happen to me ever since, and never resolved that feeling. I remain as angry with them now as I was 30 years ago.
I coped by studying hard and becoming a doctor as I wanted to help other people, and by starting my own family so I can look after my children, give them lots of love, and never let them experience the pain I experienced at the hands of the bullies. I work hard. I exercise obsessively at times. But I have never resolved the underlying issues around my bullying and my relationship with my parents. I felt like crying about this as I drove into work this morning.
I have had low self esteem and probably mild depression all my life, and find it difficult to form close relationships. I appreciate that I have done well and succeeded in life in every way except for this. I have a very loving wife and children and couldn’t ask for more. Read more »

Still blocked

Things got worse.

Its been several days now since I have been able to 'cross over' into an orgasm. I can still bring on good feelings but I'm getting less and less inclined to even try now because it's so disappointing and I expect failure. Today I have only tried a couple of times. I have posted on the forum and had some reassuring comments but it's my problem and no-one can really help.

I have been very low about this. The last time I can remember feeling anything like this was when I split from my first girlfriend and I had huge pangs of loss seeing anything that reminded me of her. I feel like that reading about peoples successes on here or when I think about my experiences last week. That alternates with feelings of positivity that I can do it or simply just trying to forget about it.

This is truly psychological. I can do everything else and get so close I'm actually slipping into an orgasm but my mind sabotages it every time. I get to the point of starting to shake, I feel as if the feelings are spreading, I keep breathing into it, and last week and would have been off on a super-O, now I have a feeling that it's not going to happen and it doesn't.

I have lots of theories for why I am blocked, or it could be a combination: Read more »

Blocked again?

I had sex with my wife for the first time in months last night. My erection was instant and harder than I remember it ever being even when I was a teenager, and when I came it was stronger than previously, she even commented on how strong it felt.

I haven't managed to have a prostate orgasm for a few days now. I have sort of lost interest a little bit in a good way )have to get on with normal life(, although I'm not sure how I feel really. It was so intense last week I'm almost pleased to feel a bit less addicted. I have tried to bring on an orgasm several times but not really succeeded.

I'm really trying to analyse how to 'cross over' into an orgasm. I can get so close within moments of trying but actually turning it into an orgasm is proving elusive. Thinking back to when I had my first super-O I had not cum for 3 days, and had masturbated several times without climaxing, so there must have been some sexual tension there to start with. I was then so excited about what I had experienced that it just sort of carried on and I didn't even question my ability to go into a super-O for a few days and on the second day I even had an A-less orgasm within minutes of trying.
Two nights of super-Os made me tired, then I couldn't make it work and I got over emotional about that and couldn't sleep, I was working long hours, and it's been hit and miss since and I haven't really caught up with sleep. I have had to lower my expections.

Long week

I felle as if I am finally starting to integrate my new found ability with normal life. Today is the first day that I haven't been constantly thinking about my next super-O and worrying whether it is going to happen.
After a long week and long hours at work I am as usual very tired. I really think that I will just sleep tonight so it will be first day without a super-O. Maybe not a bad thing I feel a bit more in control now.

Exhausted

It's been a real emotional rollercoaster in the last week since my breakthrough. Exhilarated one minute after after a mind blowing super-O, totally despondent when it just wasn't working. I don't think I have experienced such a range of emotions since my first serious relationship in my early 20's.
I have developed laryngitis today and feel mentally and physically drained and need to get an early night. It must be related, my body is telling me something. For the first time I just don't have the energy to even contemplate trying for an orgasm. Early night for me I need sleep.

Back on track

I had promised myself that I was taking a rest for a day yesterday, but I'm not very strong willed and thought that I would just have a quick try last night, A-less as usual. I'm very glad that I did. it wasn't the fastest onset ever but considering how tired I was and how upset I had got over this whole thing yesterday, I was amazed tat anything happened at all.
The super-O built up nicely and I had a few nice orgasmic waves, each one getting stronger and more intense. It was going well, but I was expecting my wife to come to bed at any second and was slightly distracted for that reason. Then I made a beginners mistake. I squeezed my PC muscle really hard, trying to wring a bit more out of one wave of contractions, but I held it far too long and when I released it had all gone and it was over – I like the child's swing analogy someone has made – you need to keep giving the orgasm a little push every now and then to keep the swing going, I just gave a long push and stopped it swinging.
Had a reasonable night's sleep last night for the first time in a while.
Next thing is to tell my wife. I have decided I need to.